On Days Like Today...

Usually on a day like today I would say, "Whew!  I wish I could start this day over and try again!". Not today. Today I'm just glad it's (almost) over.

I could list all the things that went wrong today, but the long and short of it is this: today I was not in control of me.

I was unloving, ungracious, impatient and ungrateful with my husband and children. I acted selfishly, my thoughts were on many things other than grace. Many things other than kindness. Many things other than love.

Have you had a day like this before? A day where your heart feels like it is in turmoil. Where if you had to rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 in how "keyed up" you feel, it would be a 12. Where the literal noise of life has pushed you to the breaking point. A day when your inner voice is a liar, scripted by satan himself, all self-filled, all angry, all curses.

I literally thought to myself at one point today about my husband, "he has locked the van doors exactly one time ever and it's now, when I need into it". I would half smile at the ridiculousness of that thought now if I wasn't so embarrassed by it. Both because it is a lie that he never locks the doors and the absurdity of the insinuation that he locked them to spite me, to make my task harder. It just speaks to the condition of my heart.

We each took a kid to bed tonight and when I got mine laid down, I stole a few minutes outside. I needed some quiet, away from the noise of appliances, of voices and toys and the cricket in the basement. I sat down with my Bible and opened to the book of Joel.

I'll admit, I read the short book quickly without a lot of deep thought, but felt better after turning my focus toward God. I came inside and as I fixed a cup of tea, I thought, "God, what are you saying to me?" Suddenly, some words from Joel popped into my head:

"The Lord's voice will roar from Zion

and thunder from Jerusalem,

and the heavens and the earth will shake.

But the Lord will be a refuge for his people,

and strong fortress for the people of Israel." Joel 3:16-17

It made me think of chaos. That's the best way I can describe my day. Everything felt like chaos. But during that, through it, the Lord will be a refuge for his people. 

Now, I know this is out of context, and don't think that I'm telling you what the book of Joel is about. But this is what the Lord was speaking to me tonight.

When life is chaos, when things are out of your control, I am your refuge. I am your strong fortress. 

Even though, when it comes down to brass tacks, there's really not much other than yourself that you're in control of on ANY day, I am your refuge. I am your strong fortress.

When you're not even in control of yourself (especially when you're not in control of yourself), I am your refuge. I am your strong fortress.

There is still plenty of time and opportunity this evening for things to go wrong. But instead of letting my stress level climb, instead of listening to the liar, I'm going to make another cup of tea and settle into my refuge, my strong fortress.

Start Now

I was having a text conversation with one of our students the other night and I confessed something to her that I have not told anyone.

I have a regret.

I know, it's not cool to have regrets.  Just look at Pinterest.  It'll tell you so.

But I do.  And what is it?

I wish I would have started sooner.

I wish I would have started working with youth sooner...
...taking piano seriously sooner...
...worked with missions...
...searched out opportunities to answer the tugs God put on my heart at the moment they were placed there.

Some things I can start working at today.  Other opportunities are altered forever.  Still others have passed me by entirely.

So I implore you, I beg you...no matter what your age.  If you're 15 or 30 or 50.  START TODAY.

Put hands and feet to the things God is calling you to.  Find opportunities to use and follow your passions.  Don't be afraid to start something.  To move away.  To apply for programs or internships.  To work for a nonprofit. 

Two things have made me really face this recently. 
1.  In the first sermon in the "Meaning from Memes" series at FCC, Dallas said his dad told him he wished he'd "done less for my family and more for Jesus". 
2.  This brilliant "Liking isn't helping" campaign for Crisis Relief Singapore. 

If you want to see human trafficking stop in your lifetime, find an organization who is doing something about it and go work there.  Volunteer there.  Support them financially.

If you care about the homeless, find a shelter where you can work. 

If you want to lead worship, find a church with a worship leader and apply for an internship...or ask if you can shadow.

God called people at all ages.  Samuel was a child.  David and Mary were little more than children.  Timothy was young.  Abraham received his promise in old age.  Moses was something like 500 years old when he built the ark. 

You can be part of something amazing and you can do it now.  So do.

Matthew 28:18-20

and

Oceans (Hillsong United)
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.
Let me walk upon the waters
wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my strength could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my Savior."

Ugly Honesty and a Little Redemption

Tonight it happened. I was putting the kids to bed and was just at the end of my emotional rope. I felt as if the dog barked at one more thing, if Nora said, "Mama" one more time, if Judah cried for one more minute, that I would just calmly walk out the door and go. Somewhere. Anywhere. It was ugly.

As I sat there nursing Judah, hoping against hope that he wouldn't wake and cry when I laid him down and wishing Nora could just put herself to bed, I prayed. I prayed that God would redeem parenting for me. 

I left Judah crying while I helped Nora get ready for bed, even though I've tried not to leave him to cry at night. And Nora got her Bible story and prayers, but no extra frills at bedtime; even though there's this inspiring blog post being shared all over about how "sometimes bedtime takes forever (and it should)". This Mama's love always stretches to forever, but sometimes my kindness doesn't.  

The crying subsided and even though the dog still barked and I still heard my name at least 10 more times, I didn't walk out the door.  And at first I heard nothing in response to my request about redemption. So I headed to the only place that made sense. The Bible. I looked up some passages about parents and children. And felt discouraged.

I always think of redemption as God taking something that was His that sin made ugly and making it what He intended it to be again. I can think of at least three times that redemption has been mentioned in this context in the past several weeks during sermons: redeeming marriage, redeeming singleness, redeeming gender roles. These have all been nice, easy concepts of redemption for me. Like when God redeems us from sin, these three have been taking something stressful and messy and made it better. Made it easier, gave relief, gave peace. 

Redeemed parenting? It wasn't shaping up to be so nice, easy, clean, or relieving. I was hoping for a nice metaphor. I was hoping for lots of passages saying things like, "children are a gift" or "being a parent is a joy"...at least then all I'd have to do is grapple with how to get my emotions to reflect what the Bible said. 

But God doesn't deal so much in emotions as He does truth.

The truth that I kept coming across was that passive parenting is not what God intended. I found time and time again a charge for parents to pass the scriptures and the testimonies of what God has done in their lives down to their children. I found Hannah who prayed so hard for a child that Eli thought she was drunk and when she received her son she dedicated him back to The Lord. I turned to that darn Proverbs 31 woman (who I often feel I hold so little in common with--especially tonight) and found that she actively worked hard to provide for her children and they called her blessed. I found that she had "faithful instruction on her tongue". I found that parenting is hard. 

I began to think God was telling me my picture of redemption was skewed. This is what I found when I started digging a little: 

"The most common definition provided for the word redemption is to buy back. However, in studying the use of this word in scripture, this simplified definition is found lacking. While it does provide a nice simple definition for many instances of scriptural redemption, it does not adequately define the word as used in the most significant biblical redemptions. A more accurate definition of redemption, as used in scripture, would be to justly bring about the end of a covenant of bondage by which someone or something belonging to God is being held captive." (http://josephjpote.com/what-is-redemption/)

So the thing in captivity that belongs to God is my parenting and my children. What, then, is the bondage?Our pastor mentioned a few weeks back how what the world advertises as freedom is often slavery.  What am I being told in the parenting world is freedom for my children?  The thing that has come to me strongly is this: freedom of choice. It starts early and only escalates as they grow. 

"Susie didn't want bedtime prayers tonight, so in order not to spoil them/poison her against them, I didn't force the issue."

"Johnny chooses to play 4 sports, be in band, take private music lessons, dance classes and be a Boy Scout."

"Jane is too old for me to be approving what she wears."

"Chris didn't want to come to church/Sunday School/Youth Group today. I can't make him, it's really his choice."

Then we sit back and wonder how the next generation's morals, values and priorities got all mixed up. Look back at that definition of redemption. Buy. Bring about. Verbs. Action. Passive parenting is creating a prison for our children. Our choice not to set a standard or expectations makes our parenting a covenant of bondage with our children. 

God then directed my thoughts back to the few passages I did find about children being a gift and to parables like the talents and those beautiful metaphors I was looking for like gold being made perfect in the refiner's fire. God has lent us His children here on earth. Our sweet little ones are but borrowed. What will we do to improve them while they are in our charge until God comes back for us or for them?

We must choose action. 

We must set an example of a heart that loves God and pursues His heart.

We must offer guidance and that faithful instruction mentioned in Proverbs 31. 

A diamond in the rough does not become a sparkling gemstone without shaping, gold does not become beautiful without refining. 

We must choose discipline for ourselves. To commit to redeemed parenting. 

We must pray hard for our children. Hard like Hannah. 

We must dedicate them to The Lord. 

No. I did not find a nice, easy, comforting lesson tonight. But I did find peace.  Parenting is tough, but the redemption is mine to receive, not to create. I am not the redeemer, I am the redeemed.  The freedom for me tonight in my moment of ugly is knowing I don't walk this path without the Wonderful Counselor by my side giving me faithful instruction so I can make the right choices.

Thank you, God, for answering my call tonight, even though you answered it much differently than I expected.