Ugly Honesty and a Little Redemption

Tonight it happened. I was putting the kids to bed and was just at the end of my emotional rope. I felt as if the dog barked at one more thing, if Nora said, "Mama" one more time, if Judah cried for one more minute, that I would just calmly walk out the door and go. Somewhere. Anywhere. It was ugly.

As I sat there nursing Judah, hoping against hope that he wouldn't wake and cry when I laid him down and wishing Nora could just put herself to bed, I prayed. I prayed that God would redeem parenting for me. 

I left Judah crying while I helped Nora get ready for bed, even though I've tried not to leave him to cry at night. And Nora got her Bible story and prayers, but no extra frills at bedtime; even though there's this inspiring blog post being shared all over about how "sometimes bedtime takes forever (and it should)". This Mama's love always stretches to forever, but sometimes my kindness doesn't.  

The crying subsided and even though the dog still barked and I still heard my name at least 10 more times, I didn't walk out the door.  And at first I heard nothing in response to my request about redemption. So I headed to the only place that made sense. The Bible. I looked up some passages about parents and children. And felt discouraged.

I always think of redemption as God taking something that was His that sin made ugly and making it what He intended it to be again. I can think of at least three times that redemption has been mentioned in this context in the past several weeks during sermons: redeeming marriage, redeeming singleness, redeeming gender roles. These have all been nice, easy concepts of redemption for me. Like when God redeems us from sin, these three have been taking something stressful and messy and made it better. Made it easier, gave relief, gave peace. 

Redeemed parenting? It wasn't shaping up to be so nice, easy, clean, or relieving. I was hoping for a nice metaphor. I was hoping for lots of passages saying things like, "children are a gift" or "being a parent is a joy"...at least then all I'd have to do is grapple with how to get my emotions to reflect what the Bible said. 

But God doesn't deal so much in emotions as He does truth.

The truth that I kept coming across was that passive parenting is not what God intended. I found time and time again a charge for parents to pass the scriptures and the testimonies of what God has done in their lives down to their children. I found Hannah who prayed so hard for a child that Eli thought she was drunk and when she received her son she dedicated him back to The Lord. I turned to that darn Proverbs 31 woman (who I often feel I hold so little in common with--especially tonight) and found that she actively worked hard to provide for her children and they called her blessed. I found that she had "faithful instruction on her tongue". I found that parenting is hard. 

I began to think God was telling me my picture of redemption was skewed. This is what I found when I started digging a little: 

"The most common definition provided for the word redemption is to buy back. However, in studying the use of this word in scripture, this simplified definition is found lacking. While it does provide a nice simple definition for many instances of scriptural redemption, it does not adequately define the word as used in the most significant biblical redemptions. A more accurate definition of redemption, as used in scripture, would be to justly bring about the end of a covenant of bondage by which someone or something belonging to God is being held captive." (http://josephjpote.com/what-is-redemption/)

So the thing in captivity that belongs to God is my parenting and my children. What, then, is the bondage?Our pastor mentioned a few weeks back how what the world advertises as freedom is often slavery.  What am I being told in the parenting world is freedom for my children?  The thing that has come to me strongly is this: freedom of choice. It starts early and only escalates as they grow. 

"Susie didn't want bedtime prayers tonight, so in order not to spoil them/poison her against them, I didn't force the issue."

"Johnny chooses to play 4 sports, be in band, take private music lessons, dance classes and be a Boy Scout."

"Jane is too old for me to be approving what she wears."

"Chris didn't want to come to church/Sunday School/Youth Group today. I can't make him, it's really his choice."

Then we sit back and wonder how the next generation's morals, values and priorities got all mixed up. Look back at that definition of redemption. Buy. Bring about. Verbs. Action. Passive parenting is creating a prison for our children. Our choice not to set a standard or expectations makes our parenting a covenant of bondage with our children. 

God then directed my thoughts back to the few passages I did find about children being a gift and to parables like the talents and those beautiful metaphors I was looking for like gold being made perfect in the refiner's fire. God has lent us His children here on earth. Our sweet little ones are but borrowed. What will we do to improve them while they are in our charge until God comes back for us or for them?

We must choose action. 

We must set an example of a heart that loves God and pursues His heart.

We must offer guidance and that faithful instruction mentioned in Proverbs 31. 

A diamond in the rough does not become a sparkling gemstone without shaping, gold does not become beautiful without refining. 

We must choose discipline for ourselves. To commit to redeemed parenting. 

We must pray hard for our children. Hard like Hannah. 

We must dedicate them to The Lord. 

No. I did not find a nice, easy, comforting lesson tonight. But I did find peace.  Parenting is tough, but the redemption is mine to receive, not to create. I am not the redeemer, I am the redeemed.  The freedom for me tonight in my moment of ugly is knowing I don't walk this path without the Wonderful Counselor by my side giving me faithful instruction so I can make the right choices.

Thank you, God, for answering my call tonight, even though you answered it much differently than I expected. 

Desperate, Restless, Surrender

A few months back a friend on Facebook recommended this book:

Click on the pic for link to the website and a video about the book

I jotted down the title and author on a post it and stuck it in my desk drawer.  Every time I opened my drawer I thought about the book and then had some reason not to order it.  None of them were very good excuses considering it's only $10 on Amazon. 

Then a month or two ago I ran across this article by Sarah Mae.  I was intrigued by the title ("I've Stopped Trying to Tame My Children's Tongues") and recognized the author's name from the aforementioned book, so as soon as I had a few minutes, I jumped over and read it.  In it she talks about how the approach of correcting a child's hurtful or rude words does not address the root of the problem because of the truth that Jesus spoke:

"The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45

She has begun to discuss her children's words with them, trying to address the heart issue behind their words and trying to cultivate hearts full of good treasure. 

I immediately ordered her book.

Fast forward to this week.

I ran across this article about respecting our husbands (thanks, by the way, to all my Facebook friends who post great articles!).

Our small group is studying James right now and I was reminded of this verse:

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."  James 1:19-20

I wouldn't have said that I was a person who is quick to anger...but I am quick to sarcasm, snappy remarks and passive agression.  It suddenly all clicked. 

I have been trying for too many years to tame my tongue without surrendering to God the condition of my heart.  I have prayed for slower speech.  I have prayed for patience.  I have prayed for the ability to "let it go" when snappy and hurtful things come to my mind.  I have been praying to receive the result without the surrender.

I let "Desperate" lay around the house for several weeks before opening it.  The tagline reads, "Hope for the Mom who needs to breathe."  Being a working Mom, I thought this book might not be for me.  I worried this book was not for me.  But then I opened it up and read and cried.  I cried from the foreward all the way through the end of the first chapter.

See, this book isn't just for Joy--the Mom.  It's for Joy--God's daughter, Christ's bride.  The first chapter talked about ideals and how Sarah found a picture of an ideal and purposed to be that.  She did not take into consideration that she is human with a sin problem.  She did not consider her strengths and weaknesses and God-given gifts.  She did not purpose to be the best version of herself or to be who God wanted her to be.  She purposed to be an un-real, unattainable, idyllic woman. 

Is that not me?  I have been purposing to be THE Christian Woman, the Good Pastor's Wife, the Good Example, the Good Mom.  The woman with the right words and actions.  What I need to be pursuing instead is God's Heart, surrender to God's molding.  Really.  Not just on the exterior, or in my words, but truly in my heart. 

It's an easy prayer to pray and I've done it a thousand times: "God, give me your eyes to see your people the way you do, your hands to serve, your heart to love them, your ears to hear what they really need and want to say." 

It's even easy to mean it emotionally.  But it's not so easy for me to soften MY heart in order to give God access to work in me and consequently, through me.

These lyrics from Audrey Assad's song "Restless" have been my prayer and encouragement the last few days:

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening

Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark, the dark'

Cause I know You're more than my salvation

Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart

You are the keeper of my heart

And I am restless,

I'm restless

'Til I rest in You,

'til I rest in You

Still my heart, hold me close

Let me hear a still small voice

Let it grow, let it rise

Into a shout, into a cry

This week I'm focusing on resting in God's plan for me.  To stop straining for perfection and to stop covering up my imperfections with a false show.  To release my heart of stone and receive the heart of flesh that God has for me instead.  To accept the pruning and tempering that I need from Him.

First World Problems

Photo Credit: http://www.lolhappens.com/67129/first-world-problems-2/

My heart has been troubled over the last few days.  I'm sure by now you've seen the First World Problems memes floating around the internet.  They're meant to be tongue-in-cheek about the things we in industrialized countries find as concerns that someone in a Third-World country would roll their eyes at--if not be glad to have. 

They've made me laugh a few times over the last few months, but this week, in light of some things God has been showing me, running across this list of them just made me sad.  I couldn't help but think of the season finale of "The Neighbors" (the one where the neighbors are aliens) when Larry Bird says to his alien father that this world is interesting and crazy--half the world doesn't have enough water to support daily life and the other half has so much they pee in it.  What a poignant thought, even if it was meant as half joke, half jab.  Think how richly blessed we are that we have safe tap water! Yet so many people scoff at it and choose to buy bottled water or feel that it has to be filtered to be useable.  Even if you drink your tap water, how many times have to poured half a glass down the drain because it set out for an hour and got warm?  I've been guilty of it.

And even though this attitude has been weighing heavy on my heart lately, this morning when I went to make breakfast, I felt a moment of disappointment when I realized I'd bought plain yogurt instead of vanilla.  I've been guilty more than once of complaining about my iPhone cable being too short.  I've had to stop myself from writing a post on Facebook lamenting the fact that due to the size/setup of our new house the baby monitor doesn't reach where we'd like it to.  I fuss when the wireless router doesn't have strong enough signal, when Hulu is down, when Super Why songs get stuck in my head. 

Instead, I should be thanking God for healthy and filling choices for breakfast--and the money to buy them, for power in our house and the ability to be connected to my friends and family at any moment, for the wonderful blessing of our new house, for technology that exists sheerly for our pleasure, for educational TV shows that I don't have to worry about my toddler watching.

And like I said, God has been showing me some things.  I've found myself bothered by campaigns that, when compared to people's problems in other parts of the world, seem frivolous. They're mostly good causes and someone needs to be concerned about them...but when you put a campaign about whether or not to vaccinate your child next to the fact that people of all ages all over the world are dying of treatable diseases; about organic food being overpriced next to the reality that people die of starvation and thirst each day; about every pet deserving a home while children are orphaned by disease and disaster and people are being sold into sexual slavery daily.  It makes some of the things that seem to matter so much seem like First World problems.

God's been interweaving this with another thought to form a heavy concept for me. 

Yesterday I ran across an article from Relevant Magazine called "The Socially Acceptable Sin".  I honestly didn't read the whole thing, but what I read described our culture looking the other way in the face of the sin of gluttony.  The writer stated, "At its simplest, gluttony is the soul's addiction to excess."  That description hurt because not only did it point the finger at my country, but also at my Christian culture, at my loved ones and at me.  We probably don't have to look far to find what we're gluttons for...or for the excuse we use to justify it.  Things like upgrading technology every chance we get,  spending money we don't have, coveting a neighbor's vehicle or home. Even little things like having more pairs of shoes than we could ever need, or buying too many things for our kids.

We've become accustomed to comfort and when we have all we need for comfort, the next step in the human nature is to want more.  While some things may seem justifiable or "not a big deal", by always having a spirit of wanting I am essentially telling God that the portion He has ordained for me is not enough.  That God's Goodness is not good enough.

This tendency comes from a fallen nature, but how can we circumvent it?  By seeking the Lord for our fill.  Remember Audio Adrenaline's song "God Shaped Hole"?  I tend to roll my eyes at that phrase now because it's been so used up in talking about how non-Christians who feel like they are searching for something need to fill their hole with God instead of worldly pleasures. 

But guess what?  Christians have a God shaped hole, too.  When we stray from intimate fellowship with Him on a daily basis, we open up space in our hearts--space we can easily fill with junk.  Look at what the Bible says about filling that space with God instead:

"Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!" Psalm 34:8

"Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
listen, that you may live." Isaiah 55:2-3

"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."  Ezekiel 11:19

 

 ^"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols.  I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." Ezekiel 36:25-27

 

"They [the Lord's compassions] are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”" Lamentations 3:23-24

 

So we remember or relearn to seek God earnestly, constantly.  We look to Him for satisfaction for our souls.  We thank and praise Him for his many blessings.

 

Of course no hard lesson comes without some life change, right?  I've felt a little convicted about our new house.  It's big.  We've justified it by saying that our family isn't finished yet and that we like to have people over and we got a great deal on it.  But it's true that we have always had a little dose of house envy.  Whether someone's house is bigger or nicer looking or laid out better or is in a better location, there's always something better about someone else's house.  When we were blessed with this house I laid in bed on our first night here and offered it to God.  I walked around and prayed over the areas of our house and how God will use them.  Now I pray for how this house can be a tool for love and mercy rather than an evidence of gluttony.  We are working to make this a place that is safe and comfortable for our teens.  We want to allow God to make this a place that travelers can feel at home.  Where friends can come to feel a sense of family and refreshment. 

 

I've been thinking about other ways in my life to waste less, to be thankful more, and think of others first.  Ways to ordain not just the things in my life, but my thoughts and myself to God. 

 

What are your First World Problems?  What can you change to be freed from gluttony and complacency?  What's the first step toward ordaining your life to God?

 

Finally I'll leave you with the verse that God has been placing in my path over and over in the past few weeks:

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."